8.18.17

Waking up in the morning, squinting my eyes at the sun peering through my translucent curtains.

I slightly turn my head to the right side of my bed where my alarm clock is sitting atop my table

7 a.m.

Sigh.

I should get out of bed and get ready for the day.

But the mere thought of even attempting to do so exhausts me.

I imagine myself pulling my body out of this bed and finally shower because I haven’t in the past three days.

Or even comb my hair because it’s in a knotted tangled mess because I neglected it for the past week.

But I can’t bring myself to do so.

I can’t move.

I don’t want to move.

I’ll just lay here for a while.

I stare at the ceiling thinking intensely yet my mind is empty of thoughts.

I have no thoughts, yet my mind seems to be racing with a million things.

I take a deep breath within and let my lungs fill with air.

What am I breathing for?

I know I must breathe, for the air, the oxygen for survival.

But am I living?

Physically alive yes but what about emotionally? Mentally?

No.

My own thoughts consume me every day and I fight them.

Fight to live a life that I want to have yet don’t.

Fight to live another day so that I can see tomorrow

But, I don’t want to survive to be here tomorrow.

2p.m.

Well, I missed work for the third time in a row this week.

I wish I could leave this bed.

I feel trapped inside my own body.

My mind.

I want out.

I would do anything for these thoughts to leave.

To leave me with peace.

But there’s only one way that I could have my way.

How would I do it?

I don’t like pain, I can’t stand it.

But I have been so numb I want to be able to feel something.

To feel life leaving me, to be happy that I feel it all ending.

Sure, I have family and friends.

But would their lives change if I wasn’t here?

Probably for the worst.

I know that if I leave, I end up hurting the ones I love.

Leaving them with broken hearts and endless tears with a pain that will never cease.

A selfish act some might say and I agree.

They mean so much to me and I know that I am important to them

But what about my pain?

Damn.

Why is it so hard to take a life that is meaningless to you but is worth so much to others?