5.30.18

I have been without your embrace for what seems a lifetime. 

Am I selfish for wanting you? 

Every moment of every day. 

I never imagined that I was going to love you this much.

Or love you at all for that matter. 

What have you done to me?

You've opened up my mind. 

My soul. 

Your voice replays over in my head along with the memories that we share. 

I like the way your lips part as you say my name. 

Addictive. 

I wish that I could be held in your arms and against you

so that I can hear your heartbeat as I lay my ear on your chest. 

Boom Boom. Boom Boom. Boom Boom. 

Your heart beats fast and I cannot think of any other moment that is more perfect than this one. 

I can hear your heartbeat and I know that life fuels within you.

I'm in love because you are alive. 

5.29.18

Today
I managed to get out of bed.
"That's it?" you might say.
Yes, that's it.
In fact, it was the most that I have done in these past couple of weeks besides rotting away in my bed.
These are my steps to victory.
To recovery.
Don't judge my length of progress.

12.1.15

People might see a girl that smiles every so often, but otherwise looks like stone.

A girl that spits out negative things, but yet can be so positive at times.

Someone that is on their phone all of the time but no one hears from at all during the night.

Who will sit up at 2 a.m. to watch movies and cry with you over Chinese food about the boy who broke your heart, but yet keeps her feelings padlocked with an invisible key.

I hide the way I truly feel because I cannot stand when people get to close to me, both physically and mentally.

I oftentimes push people away before they even have a chance to say hello.

I laugh until I cry and I giggle with my friends, but that’s not how I feel on the inside.

I feel fervent love and give my all to only one person, my boyfriend.

That is the only time I feel like I can breathe, when I’m with him.

He is the only one that I trust with all my heart.

Some might say that I am too young to know what love is, or maybe they are too blind when it comes to realizing that anyone can fall in love at any time and any place.

I did.

One man changed my entire life, for the better not for worse.

He’s my world and he made living in this town and seeing the same people that I always do not so impossible to manage.

I get good grades and my parents are still together, I have a house, clothes, and food.

I have a job and my hopes are to go to college, I want to make more out of myself.

Some people say that I don’t have it hard and I don’t have anything to complain about.

But, in reality, does anyone ever know everything there is to know about someone?

That is me, of course.

I am shaded.

9.4.14

Society,

So judgmental. So quick to jump at others

But they don’t know everything about others like they think they do.

Always assuming something,

Judging and tearing each other down

It’s what we do right?

A form of self-defense, a common excuse.

Words and actions can hurt.

The pain is real.

People are killing each other and betraying one another.

Where is the trust and loyalty that we so commonly look for in a person?

The hurtful things that we say to one another in order to tear each other down.

Someone is different and they are looked down on.

They are swindled into believing that they are “below” everyone else.

Everyone just wants to be treated equality.

To feel as if they belong.

But that’s not always the case.

But there are kind people in the world you might say.

Perhaps there is.

But most just observe this problem and remain silent.

Where is the love and the compassion that we seek?

Domestic violence, verbal and physical.

Since when did the “I love yous” turn into fists and arguments

When did we stop protecting each other and start being purposely hurtful?

Why is love dying?

Does this generation even know what love is?

Black and White.

White vs. Black.

We are so quick to hate.

Belittling comments and actions that can potentially scar others.

Some have such a negative effect on others, that they take their own lives.

It slips under the radar, some people never know.

Some cover their face in shame every day.

Wanting to be someone else.

Wanting something someone else has.

Others just want to be noticed,

For someone to be proud of them.

Others just sneak on by and go through the motions.

The same routine happens every day.

People break down at night.

So quietly that no one is able to hear them,

To know the pain that they are expressing.

The pain is real for them, it’s what they feel every single day.

But then they wake up the next morning,

And put that mask on their face.

Again.

That is imperfection at its finest.

5.24.18

I can’t breathe, I feel trapped in my own mind.

A prisoner in my own body.

My soul is weary, it aches for freedom.

Why me?

My lip quivers and I know that I am about to lose it.

I try to cup my mouth so that no sound escapes but the only sound I hear is a small yelp that has erupted from within me.

A sound that illustrates the defeat that I feel.

It is a warning sign that what I expect is about to surface.

I feel a tear drop from my left eye and I quickly wipe it away.

No tears.

Breathe.

Another one falls.

Another tears joins it from my right eye.

Soon, I taste the saltiness of my tears on my lips.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to cry anymore.

What’s done is done.

You cannot help what is unfixable.

But damn it hurts.

Tears soon erupt from my body and it seems as if they will never stop.

My body gives out on me and I fall to the floor, aching with a pain that I know might never go away.

The feral sounds and whimpers that I wanted to cease come easily out of my mouth as the tears follow with them.

Am I weak for feeling this way?

8.18.17

Waking up in the morning, squinting my eyes at the sun peering through my translucent curtains.

I slightly turn my head to the right side of my bed where my alarm clock is sitting atop my table

7 a.m.

Sigh.

I should get out of bed and get ready for the day.

But the mere thought of even attempting to do so exhausts me.

I imagine myself pulling my body out of this bed and finally shower because I haven’t in the past three days.

Or even comb my hair because it’s in a knotted tangled mess because I neglected it for the past week.

But I can’t bring myself to do so.

I can’t move.

I don’t want to move.

I’ll just lay here for a while.

I stare at the ceiling thinking intensely yet my mind is empty of thoughts.

I have no thoughts, yet my mind seems to be racing with a million things.

I take a deep breath within and let my lungs fill with air.

What am I breathing for?

I know I must breathe, for the air, the oxygen for survival.

But am I living?

Physically alive yes but what about emotionally? Mentally?

No.

My own thoughts consume me every day and I fight them.

Fight to live a life that I want to have yet don’t.

Fight to live another day so that I can see tomorrow

But, I don’t want to survive to be here tomorrow.

2p.m.

Well, I missed work for the third time in a row this week.

I wish I could leave this bed.

I feel trapped inside my own body.

My mind.

I want out.

I would do anything for these thoughts to leave.

To leave me with peace.

But there’s only one way that I could have my way.

How would I do it?

I don’t like pain, I can’t stand it.

But I have been so numb I want to be able to feel something.

To feel life leaving me, to be happy that I feel it all ending.

Sure, I have family and friends.

But would their lives change if I wasn’t here?

Probably for the worst.

I know that if I leave, I end up hurting the ones I love.

Leaving them with broken hearts and endless tears with a pain that will never cease.

A selfish act some might say and I agree.

They mean so much to me and I know that I am important to them

But what about my pain?

Damn.

Why is it so hard to take a life that is meaningless to you but is worth so much to others?

5.23.18

You left me.
You didn't mean to, you had to. 
How can I be bitter about the day that I knew would come?
I gotta suck it up I guess.
Nothing can take away the pain of the emptiness I feel. 
The isolation. 
The loneliness.
How can I go on without your embrace?
The absence of your love is burning me. 
Who can ever put out this fire?